Settled In

Settled In

I’ve heard the phrase “settled in” all my life in reference to someone who had made just moved into a new house or job and had arranged things to their liking and was feeling at home.  Having moved 12 times in 27 years of marriage and the longest term in any one house in my almost 50 years was 6 years but the average is 2 , I am more than familiar with this term.   I have been a part of the rushing to make things more comfortable in the new place.  Cleaning, putting things away, organizing…all the fun of moving.  On a side note, as a bonus, when one moves this often one can consider this one’s spring cleaning;  my philosophy, maybe not the OCD people of the world.

I’ve recently been examining the word, settle. 

1.       Resolve or reach an agreement about an argument or problem.

2.       Adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home.

3.       Sit down to rest in a comfortable position.

Settle.  A verb with a positive connotation. 

We have another possible move coming up,  We moved into what we hoped was our forever home, with a pool, 8 acres, chickens, garden, pond and a great house for children and someday grand children to come back to, only 2 short years ago.  It has been a blessing.  So,  when my husband brought word that the move may happen soon this sent me into a sad spiral of worry and regret.  As I have prayed about this possibility, (we still don’t know where or when for sure so continued prayers are appreciated) I have heard a voice in my heart saying that perhaps I was too comfortable here.

I’m not saying God doesn’t want us to be comfortable.  Not at all!  But I do know myself, and probably most of you are quite similar, when I get comfortable, I am not as eager to get up and do something new. 

Our 1 ½ year old pup Toby invariably wants out the back door as soon as I get comfortable on the couch.  I never want to get up to let him out because I know it’s a game and in a few minutes he will want back in.  But he will stand there and whine, making me uncomfortable in my comfortable position until I do get up to let him out or speak sternly to him, “NO Toby!!”  Upon which time he then approaches me with a toy and wants to play. 

Even if you don’t have dogs or kids to understand this analogy you understand that being comfortable means we are ready to stay there for a while. 

However, when we get too comfortable we miss things.  We can miss a fun party and great friends being comfortable on the couch at home.  We can become soft and plump because we don’t want the discomfort of working at staying fit.  We can miss new friends in new places because we refused to move to another state out of fear of being uncomfortable.  We can miss new friends or significant others because we are so comfortable with the old we don’t bother to meet them.

I know there are pessimists who will say to my comments that perhaps they are not missing anything because the friend they have or boyfriend they have or state in which they currently reside, are too good and they will never be sorry they didn’t step out to move to another because they are quite happy with these things.  I do understand that philosophy to some degree, we NEVER need to be the person who always sees the grass as always greener on the other side because we all must learn contentment.  However, God gave us our dreams, wishes, hopes and plans for a reason.  If there is a teeny niggling in your heart that there is more out there, perhaps a step of faith to get ‘unsettled’ and meet new folks, take a new job, or date a new person might be in order.  (Disclaimer, dating a new person does not apply to a married person)  Again, God gave us our dreams, hopes and visions!  So why do we settle away from them so easily?

I think one reason we settle is out of fear.  We find something comfortable so don’t want to risk going to a less comfortable, place, person or position and the temporary discomfort while we change.   Then we tell ourselves that we are just learning to be content where we are so we ignore the niggling small dreams or wishes we had for ourselves, claiming them to be silly or worthless. 

Another reason we settle is because it is too much work to leave the comfort zone.  To move from my spot of the couch requires moving the pillows and blankets I had just spent a minute or two situating just right, to get up and let the goofy dog out.  To date a new person would be so much work when this person already knows me so well and we have learned how to get along, even though there is a niggling small whisper that something isn’t just right.  Or, to change jobs and move to a new state are too much work and stress to put myself and my family through so I’ll stay here but secretly my heart longs to know what the world holds out there.

There could be as many reasons for settling as there are people, but I do believe most of us fall in one or both of the above reasons.  I’ve lived them, I’ve had to face my fear and comfort and move out of it.  I’ve also broken up with someone I liked very much because I knew that there was more out there for me, and it was very hard and uncomfortable.  Even wondered if I was doing the right thing because others thought I was goofy to leave a good thing behind.    But God always blessed a step of faith.

Perhaps the comfort of settling is a big reason so many are in depression today.  The niggles from the dreams God gave them when they were small have never left and they never will, so they live their lives afraid to take a step of faith out of their settled comfort. 

Perhaps this is why there are so many divorces. 

I read a book by Neil Clark Warren, marriage counselor, author and founder of eHarmony.  He quotes studies and uses his decades of experience to explain that marriages last longer when they are begun when both parties are over 24.  He believes this is due to the fact that both parties have a more complete sense of self then their younger counterparts.  I agree.  But I would like to go one step further.  Perhaps when people rush to marry at a younger age they are settling, they don’t have the guts to wait and be uncomfortable.

I understand this sounds harsh to many of you who married before 24.    I am one of you.  God blessed me with a great husband and great life despite the fact that we were both 22.  But, how much more could he have blessed us if we hadn’t been in a hurry?  I’m not saying that either of us settled, but we did rush, which is a close cousin of settling.  So my advice to all young people, keep your eyes and heart open to the dreams God gave you long ago, they are real , they are valid; don’t rush through life, and for your own sake, don’t settle down and get too comfortable.

I bet as you read the last two paragraphs you can think of at least one young couple you have seen do this and perhaps have already seen the demise of their marriage.  I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number I’ve seen and I would wager that you can think of at least a half dozen in just a few minutes as well.

Now, before you start to stone me for preaching a message of discontentment, think about the parable of the talents.  Didn’t the two servants who went out and did more with what they had get blessed?  And the one who was afraid and too comfortable to step out in faith was chastised?

When did Jesus ask his disciples to sit down get comfy and don’t bother about getting up?   Yes, I hear you, He told them to share the gospel.  But, I believe it was more than that.

Stephen Curtis Chapman wrote a song, “The Great Adventure,” about how a Christian’s life is one.  I don’t believe that our lives should be compartmentalized and I don’t believe you will ever get out of your comfort zone to love someone in Christ if you are not also willing to get out of your comfort zone in other areas where God gave you dreams.

I know that the next time you get comfortable on your couch and your dog wants to play the in/out game you will think of me.  But I hope that you think of the depth of the meaning of ‘settle’ more than that and take a step of faith.

A friend said to me:  Settling is like hearing a great song, but not dancing to the music.

Get up and dance!!           

One last small disclaimer, just because you decide one thing is settling for you, doesn’t mean that thing is bad, it just means, there is something else out there that would suit you better.