I am what I am.

I enjoyed the challenges of being a stay at home mom.  Contrary to what some think it is one of the most challenging things I’ve done.  It takes inner strength to stay motivated and in order to be self directed and to stay on track with the hundreds of little things that need to be done.

As with any mother, stay at home or working, it takes organization to run the small things of a household and stay on track.  Being organized is great; it saves time, money and worry.  Yet in trying to control life with our organization we sometimes feel that we are in control much more than we truly are.  We feel a sense of power in that control and then with that, pride.

I got so busy trying to be the perfect wife and mother and Christian that I began to put myself on a pedestal.  I began to get a little big for my britches.  I thought I had it all together and knew how things worked.  I volunteered at our church, spent many hours teaching, planning and working with all things “church.” My thoughts were consumed with these things.  Not bad things to be consumed with in themselves but I wanted to be perfect.  I was having pride in my abilities and my life.   Pride in my ‘goodness.’

Galations 3:10 “all who rely on observing the law are under a curse..”  Do you think it is possible that religious people are cursed?  They concentrate so hard on DOING that they miss so much in just BEING in Christ.  They are trying to live up to what they think make them be or at least look perfect.  I believe I did.    I believe I’ve seen others live this life of trying to DO all the right things instead of BE the right thing.  Also I’ve seen now how uncomfortable it makes others who aren’t in that position of trying to DO.  Especially people who need love the most; those in need of the unconditional love of Christ are put off by our push to Do it all.

Jesus gave the two most important commandments as Love the Lord your God, and Love your neighbor as yourself.  Perhaps if we could just BE in this love relationship, the other things would come without the struggle without the focus on them.   Perhaps also, the people who need love the most might could feel loved by the ‘real-ness’ of people just BEING in Christ. 

I believe we get trapped in trying to live the perfect life, or at least what looks like it, and God and HIS grace gets shoved out of the picture.  Maybe we should almost celebrate our inefficiencies and shortcomings because they remind us that we need him that our focus should be on HIM.  Of course we don't want to draw attention to ourselves, only to Him.

Gal 5:2 “If you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all…”

This is not in any way to say we are just to live as we please.   But I believe we need to live in a way that is not about us.  Not about self in anyway, especially not about how good we are and can be.  Instead our lives should show how good God’s grace is and how He loves.  This kind of life would create a desire in others to know this love instead of a fear and dread of the ‘religious’ folks ‘goodness.’

I’m not sure what Leonard Cohen’s beliefs are but this poem fits perfectly with my thoughts.   

                Ring the bells that still can ring

                Forget your perfect offering

                There is a crack in everything

                That’s how the light gets in.

2 Corinthians 12:9  “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”  Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me.

Wait for the best.

There once was a spunky young lady that was loved beyond measure.  She had EVERYTHING she could ever need and most things she wanted as well.  She tended to take these things for granted and fight for more, much of which wasn’t needed.  Her parents fought with her, not because they didn’t want to give her things but they wanted the best for her and wanted her to learn to wait for things, to think about things.  It had always been a struggle between them.

She had desired a real pearl necklace all her life.  One that was pure, soft and felt good on the skin and could be worn on any occasion and treasured for always, but she had almost given up hope and didn’t want to wait anymore for that dream, she was letting it fade in her mind for lack of patience.  One year near her 16^th birthday she saw a beautiful pearl necklace, it was not real pearls but had a nice shine, it was a very good faux pearl necklace.  Her friends loved the necklace too and thought it extra special so she put it on her birthday list because she thought perhaps at least this dream could come true.  She asked about it, dreamed about it and was very excited to get this for her birthday forgetting the first dream of the REAL treasure.  She had a plan to wear the faux necklace to the school spring dance.

But when her birthday came she did not get the necklace that was on her list.  Her parents said, “I’m sorry you are disappointed.  But we had other things in mind for your birthday.”  She got a new iphone and great new clothes instead. 

The girl fussed and was mad because she didn’t get the thing on her list.  Her friends fussed with her “I can’t believe your parents didn’t buy you that $125 necklace, it was so pretty and not as expense as a real one.  You could wear it with a lot of things. Gosh your parents aren’t smart.”  She was so mad she didn’t have it to wear to spring dance that she forgot to be thankful for the iphone and awesome clothes she got for her birthday.

She used her iphone to gripe with her friends and stay connected and fuss about what she didn’t have.  She used her iphone to play games with her friends, to research things on the internet, to do homework, it was so much more than her other phones had been.  Yet she continued to whine about not getting the necklace that was so pretty.

Her parents were sad that she didn’t appreciate the good things she had.  They were sad too that she didn’t trust them enough to do what was best for her and wait for the right time.  So for many months they were sad and she was mad.  It hurt them very much.

At Christmas time, she put on nice face and acted like everything was okay between them, but her parents knew she still did not really trust them that she was still upset she did not get the things she wanted. 

On Christmas day they began to open presents.  She weeded through the presents from grandparents that were clothes she really didn’t need or want, and a nice scarf from her sister.  Then she came to a curious package.  She was only half way paying attention to things because she still had the bitterness of disappointed inside her and didn’t believe that she could trust presents from her parents. 

As she opened the strangely shaped box she saw a ticket to the Winter Ball where she would meet several famous people and get to dance with 3 movie stars that were coming to town.  It was a special banquet and ball that honored the mayor of the town and few would get to go.  She knew her friends all wanted to go and she never dreamed she would get the opportunity.

This perked up her heart just a bit until she thought of what she would wear and the necklace she had wanted that would be perfect for the occasion, then darkened her spirits again.  She was still in the sour dark mood when she opened another package from her parents, she really didn’t want another stupid sweater she thought as she saw the sweater box.  But inside the sweater box was a beautiful dress of soft pink, just shapely enough to accentuate the nice things about her and look stunning.

Again her spirits perked and was excited about getting to go to the ball, but she could stay happy because again she remembered the necklace she had wanted and how it would be perfect with that dress.  She put on a nice face so as to not be completely rude to her parents but she did not feel the true joy she should have at the occasion because she was still disappointed at not getting what she wanted before.

Her parents saw her trying to put on the happy face, they were sad that she still did not trust their love enough to know they wanted what was best for her.  They were sad that for the last 6 months she had pouted and missed out on happy times because she wanted what she wanted and didn’t trust their love.  Her mom fought tears as they continued opening presents.  Her dad, made jokes to cover the awkwardness they all felt at the bitterness in her and the hurt she had caused.

One present was left for each girl.  Not really caring for anything, this girl let her sister open first as she only half way paid attention.  Her sister enjoyed her present and laughed at the way the new dress went with her boots.

It was her time to open the last gift and with an acid heart she began to tear the paper.  She noticed a box inside that had Cartier written on it.  She figured it was an old box mom had used from a necklace dad had given her.  She thought, “oh goodie, jewelry.”  They never get what I really want.  But as she continued to open the box she realized it contained a jewelry box that fit exactly inside it.  “Wow, they must have saved everything from Mom’s necklace.”  At last she pulled it out and opened it.  Inside was a perfect real pearl necklace.  The right size pearls, the right length and just perfect for every occasion. 

Her bitter heart didn’t know what to think.  She wanted to be happy for a pearl necklace, the real one she had dreamed of for years, but was still holding on to mad at not getting the one she wanted, when she wanted it.  “Why couldn’t I have gotten this before the spring dance?”

Her mother cried.  Dad said, “We ordered this necklace for you before you saw the other one, we have had it planned for more than a year.  This was special made for your neck, for your skin tone and the pearls were all from the area near Oregon where we lived.  It was extra special, just for you.  It could not be rushed and was not ready for the spring dance.   We knew you needed a new phone and thought it best for you to have it on your birthday than the pretty imitation necklace.  So we chose not to spend the money on the necklace and got you the phone we felt you needed and wanted as well.  If you had trusted our love for you, you wouldn’t have had the bitterness in your heart all this time.  Your mother’s heart is broken that you were so selfish to not wait for something better and that you simply didn’t trust us.”

The rest of the Christmas day was spent very quietly.  Her sister felt uncomfortable at the tension.  Her mother was very quiet as she prepared the dinner.  They watched Christmas movies and tried to laugh together, but the girl still could not get over her pride that she had clung to for 6 months that she deserved the necklace that all her friends thought was perfect.

Yet as the day wore on, she put her pearl necklace on.  She thought, oh well, I’ll try to wear it.  She noticed right away that it did fit nicely and felt so smooth on her skin but she didn’t want to admit her parents were right so she just keep watching movies.

Eventually her sister tired of watching movies and asked her to try on her dress and the whole outfit she would wear to the ball.  A girl is usually willing to play dress up so she began change clothes.  As she changed her clothes a change began in her heart.  She noticed the necklace was not heavy like the $125 she had wanted.  She also noticed that it did make her skin glow, it was just the right tone.  She also noticed the price tag.  $1250.  As she got the whole outfit on she began to realize that her parents had had a plan for something AWESOME for her.  That they never meant to hurt her or disappoint her but knew she needed to wait for what was best.

She went to her mom and looked her in the eyes for the first time in a very long time and gave her a real hug.  Mom smiled for the first time that day and of course cried again but the tears were different.

Our heavenly father loves more than parents could ever love.  Trust that he will bring what is best, don't be bitter while waiting.  He will keep his promises.

Still quiet voice

Recently I’ve been through things that opened my eyes to some truth.   There are people who get lots of attention from the opposite sex, it just kinda comes without understanding why; an animal magnetism so to speak.  In our society’s view this should be an asset.  And though it makes for good stories it doesn’t lead to love.

I was raised, and also raised my girls, that a girl should not throw themselves at a guy.  I believe too many girls do this, it is true.  Yet, as I’ve raised two beautiful teenage daughters a new idea has come to me.  My oldest took me so seriously that she had a hard time letting a guy know she would like attention from him.  Of course a lot of this came from the fact that she was very, very shy.  But I had to convince her that a guy must have SOMETHING to go on.  Some glimmer of hope to give him courage to talk to her too.  She can’t expect a guy to be willing to come to her when she gives him no clue whatsoever.

The second daughter is not so shy.  She tends to be more of the kind of person that gets plenty of attention.  But it is funny how my instructions of not chasing guys, has affected her.  She is friendly and easy for guys to talk to, many guys like her.   Of course the fact that she has had guys’ attention since she was in third grade has given her a different view point than the older shy daughter.  But she too tends to think that a guy needs to be a little more bold to keep her.   Why wouldn’t she? She has had LOTS of attention, but most of it was not good attention or wanted or healthy.

I’ve noticed that most of the good boys from good homes are not as ‘forward’ with their attention.  They tend to NOT give the kind of bold attention my girls craved after fairytale stories.  I’ve had many speculations as to why this is.  One thought was that these boys are more goal oriented, which is great, so aren’t as into the relationship scene as boys from homes that may be less stable.  A theory.  Another thought is that they too, are shy and see a fairy tale world where they are afraid they aren’t enough.  They are sweet and shy and don’t know how to put their hearts out on the line for a relationship.  A theory.  Another thought is that they are gentlemen, they are not as pushy and ‘in your face’ as their bold counter parts who are so free with their attention.  Most likely this is due to the fact that they were taught to respect girls and wait to pursue. 

So here are my sweet good girls, waiting for a guy to ‘save’ them with his attention.  But what they get is attention from those they are less than gentleman.   This affects the oldest by just making her just shut down.  She can be cold and aloof when she is uncomfortable.  This makes it even more difficult when the good one comes along and wants to talk with her.

For the younger daughter this attention has made her expect to have attention.  So when the gentlemen guys try to talk, this makes things a little more difficult for her to hear the quiet, gentle voice.  She has become accustomed to a more brash and cocky way to approach her.  This too makes it even more difficult when a good one comes along and wants to talk to her.  She does long for a gentleman to approach with truth and kindness.

So my new conclusion is this…The true ‘sweetheart’ though different for all of us, is probably more like God woos us.  Quiet, gentle, confident and patient, He doesn’t push us.  He gave us free will.  He doesn’t whine and cry when he doesn’t get his way or throw a fit.  He doesn’t affect free will.

As a matter of fact, love should be a choice on both sides.  Free will, no one should be coerced or begged and emotionally held hostage.  A choice of free will will leave both people feeling free.  They will not feel a weight of cloud or doubt in any way.  They can then celebrate their love as in Song of Songs, a beautiful  story of the freedom of love.

Through the last 23 years as my wonderful husband and I have learned to communicate with each other we have both hurt each other by our shortcomings in the opposites love language.   I expected a little more boldness of him, I expected a little  more wooing and demonstration;  but through many circumstances I have begun to realize my husband has loved me as God loves me.  He has QUIETLY fought for me and stood by me.

Thank you God for my husband.