Settled In

Settled In

I’ve heard the phrase “settled in” all my life in reference to someone who had made just moved into a new house or job and had arranged things to their liking and was feeling at home.  Having moved 12 times in 27 years of marriage and the longest term in any one house in my almost 50 years was 6 years but the average is 2 , I am more than familiar with this term.   I have been a part of the rushing to make things more comfortable in the new place.  Cleaning, putting things away, organizing…all the fun of moving.  On a side note, as a bonus, when one moves this often one can consider this one’s spring cleaning;  my philosophy, maybe not the OCD people of the world.

I’ve recently been examining the word, settle. 

1.       Resolve or reach an agreement about an argument or problem.

2.       Adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home.

3.       Sit down to rest in a comfortable position.

Settle.  A verb with a positive connotation. 

We have another possible move coming up,  We moved into what we hoped was our forever home, with a pool, 8 acres, chickens, garden, pond and a great house for children and someday grand children to come back to, only 2 short years ago.  It has been a blessing.  So,  when my husband brought word that the move may happen soon this sent me into a sad spiral of worry and regret.  As I have prayed about this possibility, (we still don’t know where or when for sure so continued prayers are appreciated) I have heard a voice in my heart saying that perhaps I was too comfortable here.

I’m not saying God doesn’t want us to be comfortable.  Not at all!  But I do know myself, and probably most of you are quite similar, when I get comfortable, I am not as eager to get up and do something new. 

Our 1 ½ year old pup Toby invariably wants out the back door as soon as I get comfortable on the couch.  I never want to get up to let him out because I know it’s a game and in a few minutes he will want back in.  But he will stand there and whine, making me uncomfortable in my comfortable position until I do get up to let him out or speak sternly to him, “NO Toby!!”  Upon which time he then approaches me with a toy and wants to play. 

Even if you don’t have dogs or kids to understand this analogy you understand that being comfortable means we are ready to stay there for a while. 

However, when we get too comfortable we miss things.  We can miss a fun party and great friends being comfortable on the couch at home.  We can become soft and plump because we don’t want the discomfort of working at staying fit.  We can miss new friends in new places because we refused to move to another state out of fear of being uncomfortable.  We can miss new friends or significant others because we are so comfortable with the old we don’t bother to meet them.

I know there are pessimists who will say to my comments that perhaps they are not missing anything because the friend they have or boyfriend they have or state in which they currently reside, are too good and they will never be sorry they didn’t step out to move to another because they are quite happy with these things.  I do understand that philosophy to some degree, we NEVER need to be the person who always sees the grass as always greener on the other side because we all must learn contentment.  However, God gave us our dreams, wishes, hopes and plans for a reason.  If there is a teeny niggling in your heart that there is more out there, perhaps a step of faith to get ‘unsettled’ and meet new folks, take a new job, or date a new person might be in order.  (Disclaimer, dating a new person does not apply to a married person)  Again, God gave us our dreams, hopes and visions!  So why do we settle away from them so easily?

I think one reason we settle is out of fear.  We find something comfortable so don’t want to risk going to a less comfortable, place, person or position and the temporary discomfort while we change.   Then we tell ourselves that we are just learning to be content where we are so we ignore the niggling small dreams or wishes we had for ourselves, claiming them to be silly or worthless. 

Another reason we settle is because it is too much work to leave the comfort zone.  To move from my spot of the couch requires moving the pillows and blankets I had just spent a minute or two situating just right, to get up and let the goofy dog out.  To date a new person would be so much work when this person already knows me so well and we have learned how to get along, even though there is a niggling small whisper that something isn’t just right.  Or, to change jobs and move to a new state are too much work and stress to put myself and my family through so I’ll stay here but secretly my heart longs to know what the world holds out there.

There could be as many reasons for settling as there are people, but I do believe most of us fall in one or both of the above reasons.  I’ve lived them, I’ve had to face my fear and comfort and move out of it.  I’ve also broken up with someone I liked very much because I knew that there was more out there for me, and it was very hard and uncomfortable.  Even wondered if I was doing the right thing because others thought I was goofy to leave a good thing behind.    But God always blessed a step of faith.

Perhaps the comfort of settling is a big reason so many are in depression today.  The niggles from the dreams God gave them when they were small have never left and they never will, so they live their lives afraid to take a step of faith out of their settled comfort. 

Perhaps this is why there are so many divorces. 

I read a book by Neil Clark Warren, marriage counselor, author and founder of eHarmony.  He quotes studies and uses his decades of experience to explain that marriages last longer when they are begun when both parties are over 24.  He believes this is due to the fact that both parties have a more complete sense of self then their younger counterparts.  I agree.  But I would like to go one step further.  Perhaps when people rush to marry at a younger age they are settling, they don’t have the guts to wait and be uncomfortable.

I understand this sounds harsh to many of you who married before 24.    I am one of you.  God blessed me with a great husband and great life despite the fact that we were both 22.  But, how much more could he have blessed us if we hadn’t been in a hurry?  I’m not saying that either of us settled, but we did rush, which is a close cousin of settling.  So my advice to all young people, keep your eyes and heart open to the dreams God gave you long ago, they are real , they are valid; don’t rush through life, and for your own sake, don’t settle down and get too comfortable.

I bet as you read the last two paragraphs you can think of at least one young couple you have seen do this and perhaps have already seen the demise of their marriage.  I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number I’ve seen and I would wager that you can think of at least a half dozen in just a few minutes as well.

Now, before you start to stone me for preaching a message of discontentment, think about the parable of the talents.  Didn’t the two servants who went out and did more with what they had get blessed?  And the one who was afraid and too comfortable to step out in faith was chastised?

When did Jesus ask his disciples to sit down get comfy and don’t bother about getting up?   Yes, I hear you, He told them to share the gospel.  But, I believe it was more than that.

Stephen Curtis Chapman wrote a song, “The Great Adventure,” about how a Christian’s life is one.  I don’t believe that our lives should be compartmentalized and I don’t believe you will ever get out of your comfort zone to love someone in Christ if you are not also willing to get out of your comfort zone in other areas where God gave you dreams.

I know that the next time you get comfortable on your couch and your dog wants to play the in/out game you will think of me.  But I hope that you think of the depth of the meaning of ‘settle’ more than that and take a step of faith.

A friend said to me:  Settling is like hearing a great song, but not dancing to the music.

Get up and dance!!           

One last small disclaimer, just because you decide one thing is settling for you, doesn’t mean that thing is bad, it just means, there is something else out there that would suit you better. 

Sore Subject

The church, historically, has made many errors.  As a matter of fact, it is quite possible they have done as much harm as they have done good as far as influencing people to come to Christ.  One of the problems I see that the church has exacerbated is the subject of sin. 

One could spend days debating how God views sin and how the church views sin, this discourse is by no means an exhaustive study of the subject.

First I must say as Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15  “ This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.”  I do not have these opinions because I am without sin.  On the contrary, I have chosen poorly far too many times in my life that I know first hand the grace of our Lord but I also know the pain that is the result of bad choices.

It is my theory that the historical church made sin a diabolical, hideous and damning thing in order to scare people into making right choices.  From the inquisition days to Bible thumping preachers, church leaders have tried to intimidate people into walking the straight and narrow.  It was especially easy when the general population didn’t have access to scriptures.  It is a knee jerk reaction to try to scare others into performing as one would like them to perform.  

In some ways this works, though generally only for a short time.  It made most become quite proficient at just hiding where they stray from the straight and narrow; creating more problems with deception and lies.  There is truth in the need to make good choices but more truth in grace.

The biggest problem I see with this outlook is they don’t measure in God’s grace.  The fact that humans can never be good enough and walk straight enough to stand in front of God without the blood of Christ, should be the first thing taught.  The most important thing taught!  ONLY by God’s grace, through the blood of Christ, can ANY of us stand before God.   The Bible thumping does nothing but create fear, and/or make us into liars to pretend we are good enough to deserve the grace, no matter how many mission trips you go on, or how many times you give to the poor, or are poor, without grace, you are nothing.

Some modern congregations have gone the other way.  They see the fear and lies of the past and do not want to replicate that.  Admirably, except, they seem to imply with the cheap grace that is sometimes taught, that whatever we do is okay because Christ has already covered it with his blood.    The word sin isn’t mentioned for fear of offending someone because they want church to be a place where everyone should always be comfortable.   There is also truth in these teachings.  Grace DOES cover it all.  Thank you Jesus!  And Christ didn’t come to make us uncomfortable, he did, however, come to convict us.

I believe the whole truth lies somewhere in between these two extremes.  We need to understand that we NEED the grace that was provided for us at a terrible cost.  We need to humble ourselves enough to know we cannot do this alone.  Then because of our love for Christ (We love Him because He first loved us) we want to make good choices.  As we make the good choices we see that His way has a purpose, and is better, more joy, more peace and more adventure. 

In my life of almost half a century, the greatest thing I’ve experienced is being a parent.  Not only I have I experienced more joy, more love, more fear, more pain, more happiness, more sadness and so on, with the experience of parenting, but I’ve also learned far more about God’s love for us.  No one can love a person more than a parent loves their child, but God can and does.  WOW!  That is a big thought that only as we mature do we begin to comprehend.

Not only has parenting been the environment through which I’ve begun to learn what love truly is, but it has shown me how God must feel when we, His children, make choices that are less than the best for us.  As a parent, we are heartbroken, we try to intervene but usually the choices are made regardless.  Smart parents let their child feel the consequences of their bad choices.  Many parents struggle with this balance.  They are either too harsh with consequences, but more often than not, they make the consequences of bad choices go away.  Because, let’s face it, grounding a child is harder on a parent than it is the child.  Also, watching your child suffer the consequences breaks our hearts.  It takes a parent with guts of steel and a heart full of love to allow child to suffer at all.  Which is my theory of why many times children are not disciplined, parents are either too tired or weak to do it, or too angry to handle it with love, but that is another blog.

Imagine then, how our God feels when we make bad choices that He knows are not best for us; when we don’t love our neighbor, when we chose selfishly.  It breaks his heart that we chose in a self-destructive way.  It also breaks his heart as he must watch us suffer the consequences of our choices.  The most wonderful thing is, He doesn’t let us suffer alone and he took the final/ultimate consequence for us.  That is a perfect parent; a perfect God.

The beautiful thing is, God didn’t give us the Ten Commandments to shame us.  As a matter of fact when Jesus went one further and said to even think it is sin, he is showing us that our very nature falls short of Him.  As a matter of fact He tells us that we are His children, His treasure.    John Ortberg Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them says, “You now are invited to take your place in the eternal circle of self-giving love.”  I believe anytime we aren’t living like this, it is sin.  Sure there are the obvious sins that destroy this physical body, or others, but these things are just as big a barrier to keeping us from God as the obvious things. We fall short of His glory daily in ways we cannot articulate, but He doesn’t hold this against us.

Does this mean then we can live anyway we chose, God forbid.  Just has the sweet, fun relationship of parent and child is marred with a child’s bad choice so is our relationship marred with Him when we knowingly chose unwisely.  He is hurt, we don’t feel the openness of communication and joy and there are consequences on this earth we have to face.  For example, the Israelites didn’t have faith enough to go into their promised land, they whined and cried and didn’t want to follow God.  The consequence of their choice, that generation didn’t get to see the Promised Land, they spent the rest of their lives wandering in the desert.  They were still God’s chosen people, He still saved them from slavery, but they missed the blessing of seeing the promises of God being fulfilled.

We do this too with our choices.  A bad choice doesn’t mean we are no longer a child of God, or that He hasn’t covered our sins with His grace, but a bad choice has consequences on this earth.  This is the teaching that is missed sometimes.  What He wants from us is to want to be with Him, to want to have a close relationship with Him that isn’t hindered by choices.  That is also what I want for me.

Educating our future

Public education has always been a work in progress.  Our founding fathers had a grand idea that everyone should have a chance to learn, to better themselves and to make choices that could lead to a better life.  But public education has never been perfect.  From the one room school house where the poor teacher (figuratively and literally) had to deal with all grade levels, clean the school, start the fire and countless other things, to the contemporary teachers who either specialize in a subject or grade level, one thing remains; it’s HARD!  The general public doesn’t understand the demands on a teacher, never has, most never will.

This submission of thoughts is by no means the highest understanding or comment on education, but an humble collection of thoughts from a former teacher, a parent and an offspring of teachers/administer. 

My father began his teaching career in Oklahoma City in 1960, teaching self-contained 6^th grade, with a full classroom of 47 students.  I heard many stories about these years in OKC, he loved the students and enjoyed being with them, hearing their stories and being a part of their lives.  My dad’s career spanned more than four decades as a teacher and administrator of small rural schools.  My mother began teaching when I was small, she too loved being a part of the students’ lives.  They were phenomenal teachers because of the love they had for their students and because they knew that teaching takes work.  They were willing to learn themselves and try new things.

Before I became a mother, I myself taught 3^rd grade, then after my children were quite older and we had moved around quite a bit I taught first grade in another state.  This second school district I taught in was progressive in their methods.  They encouraged higher level thinking, problem solving and the administration even encouraged the teachers to read a book about disciplining with love.  They encouraged teachers to stay abreast of new developments in education and to be willing to change and learn.

While reading and learning and teaching I saw things about the highly successful school district that were similar to the way my parents taught.  I’ve since moved to another area but through all these years I have watched teachers.  I noted the teachers that students loved, the teachers that students respected and truly learned from and the teachers students mocked and endured due to lack of respect.  I’ve lamented the plight of teachers, the lack of respect they receive from most parents and the media.  I’ve been frustrated as the government tries to take charge of education knowing that this is not the key but leads to more disrespect as those in places of power, who are not teachers, begin to dictate what happens in the classroom. 

Regardless of one’s political or social point of view, one must admit that the most effective teacher is the one that builds a relationship with the students, the students know they care and thus respect.   This kind of teacher is the kind that can reach the heart of students and help open their eyes to the wide world of learning.  Of course the teacher needs to have a plan, to teach with a purpose and to be respectable, not just try to be a friend to the students.

Recently while reading one of C.S. Lewis’ books, The Abolition of Man, thoughts of the sad plight of education were brought to mind.  It is my belief that his thoughts confirm my thoughts; that too much education outside control kills the spirit of the educator and those being educated.   In chapter 1 he discusses, if one can understand this great mind, education and with eloquence beyond my capabilities he describes the shortcomings of a text book.  My interpretation is that students are being feed things that are opinions of others and not encouraged to think for themselves.  “Some pleasure in their own ponies and dogs they will have lost; some incentive to cruelty or neglect they will have received; some pleasure in their own knowingness will have entered their minds.  That is their day’s lesson in English, though of English they have learned nothing.”  And  “Where as the old initiated, the new merely ‘conditions’.  The old dealt with it’s pupils as grown birds deal with young birds when they teach them to fly.  The new deals with them more as the poultry keeper deals with young birds – making them thus or thus for purposes of which the birds know nothing.  In a word, the old was a kind of propagation – men transmitting manhood to men; the new is merely propaganda.”

I believe, as formulas were created to make educating the masses easier.  We started ‘feeding’ ideas to students instead of motivating them to think for themselves.  As history was rewritten to be more PG rated, to hide corruption  or even to remove Christian thoughts, even words of our founding fathers, our students lost the means by which to learn from history and it became a boring story, memorizing dates instead of hearing real stories about real people who lived, struggled experienced victory and defeat and died.  The subject English became a few text book writers’ choice of what is correct and acceptable the class became tedious and so have all subjects diminished. 

I have seen more good teachers than bad.  I’ve even seen more great teachers than bad teachers.  Unfortunately there are some that go into education because they see the summer’s off and the recipe books of how to get students to memorize the facts and think it is easy.  These are teachers that sit behind their desk all day, giving orders, handing out worksheets and playing on their computers or cell phones. 

With this in mind, how do we apply this to our public education system in general?  How can we hold teachers accountable (because all professionals should be held accountable) yet let them have this kind of relationship with students be creative in stimulating thought?  This is quite a conundrum.

I don’t have the answer to this difficult puzzle.  I do have some thoughts.  I would like to see the government red tape leave the classroom and the government trust the professionalism of teachers.  I would like to see teachers BE professionals.  I would like to see state testing like the TAKS or STAR abolished.  I would like to see teachers held accountable, but only accountable that the students they had improved from the previous year.  I do agree that teachers need a plan, a purpose, and objectives to teach toward, how they get there should be in any way that will motive and stimulate the students but not disrupt learning elsewhere.   I would like to see teachers remembering what they were taught in college about the bell curve.  A teacher, that makes everything so easy that most all make A’s and B’s, is not properly challenging the whole of the class.  Conversely a teacher who feels pride in their teaching skills if all students struggle and no one makes above a 65-70, is not properly educating the whole of the students.  I would like to see teachers that are passionate about their students and passionate about motivating in them a love of learning.  And now to the end of my list, I would like teachers to remember that to teach to or at students doesn’t help them grow.  Psychology has proven that when things are just a little out of their reach it helps them stretch and grow.  The truly connected loving and professional teacher can see where this point is with each student and help challenge them in learning.

I know this next thought will not be popular with the teachers unions but I feel strongly that if teachers are to be seen as professional then they must perform as a professional.  If a CPA is not up to performance, he is put on an improvement plan.  If no improvements are made over a certain amount of time they let him go.  All other professionals are held to this scrutiny, why not teachers, the hands on our future?  True, I don’t think a new administration should come in and wipe out teachers to replace them with his family or favorites, there should be that protection, as well as from false student/parental claims.  But professionals should be expected to do their job!

Basically, I would love to see my parents in every classroom.  They knew how to motivate, to inspire and most importantly, how to love.

My wish for my girls

I dream that my girls will one day find a great love.

I believe before they can truly experience this great love they must first be comfortable with who they are in Christ, alone.  They must know their value as his princess.  And they must know they have a purpose beyond some simple fairytale love story.  They need to be prepared to be loved.

When they are ready I wish them a love that is based on similar beliefs and feelings and a great deal of friendship, with a fantastic healthy dose of passion; not just passion for the physical but spiritual as well, a passion for life in general.

Here are the qualities I’d like for the love of their life to have.

1.        He must love God.  I want his love for God to supersede his love for my daughter.  I want him to love God and love others, making him a caring thoughtful person to all, not neglecting the need to be kind to his wife.  I want his heart to desire what God wants.

2.          He must love my daughter.  This is kind of a no brainer.  But I don’t want worship, idolize or adore.  I want LOVE.  The kind of love that respects her, cherishes her and considers her thoughts, feelings and intellect as important, that also challenges her to be the best she can be in all areas of her life.   Loves her as Christ loves the church and wants to walk beside her, not ahead or behind.

3.        He must be ready for an adventure.  I don’t want him to be a pasty face fearful person that is unwilling to take the risks that go along with following Christ.  As Steven Curtis Chapman says, “This is the Great Adventure.”  I want him to follow his heart for Christ and lead her into this life.

4.       He must talk to her, treat her with respect and admiration.  He doesn’t need to be so consumed in his life that he forgets a woman’s heart is won with words.  A woman wants a certain amount of wooing.  On the flip side of this, I want her to remember that he needs wooing of his own sort.

5.       He must be willing to work.  Work hard to provide for his family but also work hard in keeping their relationship healthy and showing their children honor respect and fantastic work ethics.

6.        He must be willing to laugh.  Willing to laugh at himself, willing to relax and have fun even doing silly things.  To just enjoy life.

7.        He must be content with life as it is.  Not to say that he shouldn’t have the drive to improve in all areas but know how to be content and happy where God has him at the time.

Most of the world wants success (monetary) and position and strive for recognition among their peers.  This is all fine, but is not a prerequisite to a happy marriage and healthy home.  These things can come with the above list of things are first met.  When the important things are in place, the motivation for success as the world sees it can come naturally.

Trip to Vegas

I have never agreed with the idea of pornography in all its forms but it was not until I’m trying to raise daughters to truly respect themselves that I began to truly LOATH it.  The very idea makes my blood boil and breaks my heart for the young women that are in this world.  Our recent trip to Las Vegas renewed the frustration in me with this business.

I know males who like to look at it and think it’s not so bad because they are getting off ‘safely’ with no female involved.  But if we truly look at it it is more distorted, or at least just as, as having sex with numerous girls.

First and foremost these pictures are girls.  Real girls.  Girls that deserve to be loved and respected.  Girls that should have someone stand up for them and say, “You need to respect yourself enough not to reveal yourself to all.”

I see girls who go into this life.  They are in desperate need of attention and approval.  They like the attention.  It makes them feel special, if only for a while, but not a deep and lasting feeling and KNOWING they are special.

I watched the face of the dancer at the comedy show in Vegas and my heart broke for her.  She wasn't proud of her job.  There was no one there to stand up for her and say, “Stop, you deserve more than to be ogled like an object.”  This momma wanted to go up on the stage and drag her off and convince her she is worth more than that.

This all seems harmless, it is only hurting the girls who chose this life; yet I don’t believe it is.  The boys and men that use this in their lives to get some sense of fulfillment are also being lied to; true fulfillment doesn’t come through this.  They then begin to see women as an object to use for pleasure and have a hard time respecting and treasuring a special girl.

Secondly, sex was designed to not be an end in and of itself.  It was designed to be a glorious, wonderful, enjoyable part of a relationship.  To be private, exotic, fun bonding between two people who have vowed to love each other endlessly.  The truest and most fulfilling version of sex is only in this place.

As with all wonderful things God has created, Satan distorts it.  He tells his half truths and the beautiful thing is not as beautiful as it once was.  It is fun but not the pleasure that it was meant to be.  From the beginning of time, as with Adam, Eve and the fruit, there has been a temptation to distort this beautiful thing God gave us.

The church tried to control the distortions but added their own distortions by doing so.  In order to try to keep people from being too free with sex they said it was dirty, unclean and only for pro-creation.  This too is a lie.  The strict rules by the church regarding God’s beautiful creation, I believe, added fuel to the lie that Satan had made about it.  Because any red blooded person could tell it was made for pleasure so surely the church must be wrong and these got worse.

Though true, a man getting off looking at pornography is not technically cheating on his girlfriend or wife and he is not going to contract an STD this way.  But it is my firm belief that it is wrong because it is not a part of God’s design, it is then an end in itself and not part of a relationship.  It is distorted and not respected, used and not cherished.  Besides the obvious fact that we are not to look on another with lust, Matthew 5:28.  And the most insulting to a woman, these girls in the pictures are slaves to an industry that views them as an object.  Also, if a man does this, does he then have the passion to pursue and woo his wife?  No, he meets his base needs and doesn't feel the urge to woo her as he should, as he may have at the beginning of their relationship, thus hindering their closeness.

Sadly, I don’t believe the industry will cease to exist.  Our world is too full of selfish, self satisfied and satisfying people who don’t want to admit to themselves the perversion of God’s creation.  However, it is my prayer that people begin to open their eyes to the lies.

An Italian cruise ship went down recently off the coast of Italy.  There was an article about the men on board pushing women and children out of the way to get on the life boats.  Chivalry is dead.  There were several comments under the story about why this may have happened.  One comment was that women have fought for equality, proving they can be tough and swim as well and fight as well etc so men do not view them as the weak, needy beings as they once were viewed.  This is an interesting thought.

I believe there are many reasons why chivalry is dead.   One is that people are just plain selfish.  Another is that women have tried so hard to fight for equality that they forgot to let themselves be treasured as different from men.  We are equal in importance, no doubt, but we are different.  Viva la difference!  Women are just as smart, in some ways smarter.  We are capable of many things, yet we were designed to be different, softer, with more feelings.  I believe this difference needs to be celebrated and treasured not demeaned.   I would put the intellect and ability of my girls against most any young man and be sure they would come out on top, but I want them to remember that being a woman is something special.

Another reason chivalry is dead is porn.  Women are seen as objects, animals to be used.  Women are not viewed as something special.

It was God’s design that a man and woman love each other, respect each other and respect their differences, treasuring each other in all of this.

Porn is just another picture of how our world has not respect for anything;  another lie and distortion of God’s perfect plan.